I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
