You made me cry and you don't even care
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
