Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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