did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have post one night stand depression
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
