i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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