Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
