My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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