dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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