He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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