i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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