As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my poor anus
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
