Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Randomize
