Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
