god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize