ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
