Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
