ya dads aren't the best wingmen
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
