I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
