Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You don't make any sense
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