at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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