she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
