so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
