Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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