Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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