My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
