Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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