Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
