so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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