The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
