I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
