So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize