If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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