47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
