I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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