i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
