Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
