and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
