just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
