everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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