Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
