if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
