Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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