Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
