If that was your dad, he is hot
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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