my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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