my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
