If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
