he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
