last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
