dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
