umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
