do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize