the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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