Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
