two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
