I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
