just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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