I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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