I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
