I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
