thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
