a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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